What's this, Mr. President?

So let me get this straight, Mr. President. I voted for you, I've supported you through thick and thin, I've been planning to support you for another term - and you show up at that school in Columbus????

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

;-)

Kardashian Wins Iowa Republican Caucus

By SNARX NEWS

DES MOINES - Ms. Kim Kardashian, one of the most influential, inspirational, and important people in the world, won the Iowa Republican caucuses Tuesday, setting her up as the favorite to face President Barack Obama this fall.

With 99% of precincts reporting, Kardashian had 41% of the vote in the caucuses, with other Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney garnering 15% each and Ron Paul receiving roughly 14%.

Jon Huntsman, one of the last four somewhat-sane Republicans still alive, received negative-1 percent of the vote.

"I am so happy for my sis," said Mrs. Khloe Odom in a statement released early Wednesday.

Analysts credited a number of factors for Kardashian's win.

"She combines the marital fidelity of Newt Gingrich and the intelligence of Rick Perry with the wealth of Mitt Romney and the craziness of Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul," noted Kandy Krowley of KNN (Kardashian News Network).

Krowley noted that Kardashian also appeals to the Republican family-values crowd in a way that is reminiscent of Rick Santorum.

"While it's true I was married and divorced, at least I'm not a lesbian," noted Kardashian in a recent debate.

In an interview with KNN Wednesday morning, Perry attributed his disappointing performance to "three main factors: A weak ground game, stiff competition, and.... I can't remember the other one."

You go Justin Amash - to hell with direct election of Senators!

Justin Amash decided to have fun on his Facebook page on Saturday night. I don't begrudge him that; it's tough being a Congressman, especially one who has to spend time coming up with excuses for not serving the people.

So let's play along with him, shall we?

Just a few of the things that happened in 1913:

• Woodrow Wilson became President
  
• The Department of Commerce and Labor split in two, making the Department of Commerce and the Department of Labor
  
• The First Balkan War ended
  
• The Second Balkan War took place that summer
  
• Stainless steel was invented
  
• Henry Ford created the first assembly line
  
• The zipper was invented

Hmm. I can't see why Amash wouldn't like any of that. Maybe assembly lines are just too damn efficient? Maybe he has an objection to stainless steel? Maybe an intellectual like Woodrow Wilson shouldn't have become President?

Or does he have a - ahem - zipper problem?

Hmmmmmmmm.

Actually, there are a couple of events that took place that year that conservatives rue. In February of that year, the 16th Amendment was ratified (allowing for the collection of income taxes), and in December President Wilson created the Federal Reserve.

But there's something else that happened that year: The 17th Amendment was ratified. That's the amendment that provided that we, the people, would directly elect our US Senators, instead of having our state lawmakers elect our Senators (which is how it was done for this country's first 124 years).

I wouldn't blame him. With a rock-solid Republican legislature, Michigan would have a Republican US Senator for the 2013-2019 term.

Instead, thanks to the 17th Amendment, Debbie Stabenow will probably remain in the Senate for those six years. Terri Lynn Land, Mike Rogers, Pete Hoekstra, and Candice Miller have all said they won't run against her - and now, neither will Thad McCotter.

Darn it, if not for the freedom to choose our own US Senators...

Ah! Now I see why Amash wants to get rid of 1913!

UPDATE: Whoa, look what I found on Twitter!






Wow! A guy with a Republican 'twibbon' praises Justin Amash's status, and includes both the 16th AND the 17th Amendments in a hashtag.

So if Amash himself is fine with the 17th Amendment, at least one of his conservative Republican followers wants to see it go!

So much for that love for freedom and liberty!

BREAKING: LeBron puts on socks, shoes; restroom visit imminent? (UPDATE: Now eating something)

SOMEWHERE (SNARX News) - NBA All-Star free agent LeBron James has put on some shoes and socks, sources close to the superstar tell SNARX News.

Meanwhile, there are unconfirmed reports that James may be heading to the bathroom in the immediate future.

James, whose contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers is expiring, has been courted by a few teams.

We will have more on our continuing nonstop coverage of every little move LeBron makes and every little word he says as LeBronathon 2010 continues, here on SNARX News.

UPDATE: Major breaking news!!! LeBron is currently eating. More on this pressing situation as it develops.

ScottyUrb faces stiff challenge in re-election bid for Precinct Delegate

KENTWOOD, MI (Unassociated Press/Snarx News) - Scott Urbanowski, the funny and mildly attractive blogger known on the series of tubes as ScottyUrb, has filed to run for a third term as Democratic Precinct Delegate in Kentwood - beginning what is expected to be a contentious campaign for re-election for the 22-year-old activist, blogger, and soon-to-be Central Michigan University graduate.

"There has been no greater spokesperson for truthiness, justice, and the American way," said Urbanowski, who ran as Stephen T. Colbert's vice-presidential running mate.

While Urbanowski is used to facing competition - he won by one vote in the 2008 election - this time will be different. In the wake of the controversial Citizens United v. FEC decision, he expects many serious contenders in his bid for re-election.

Among them are:

HAL E. BURTON - Comes from, ahem, a well-oiled machine.

CARL ISLE - See above.

WALLY MART Known for sexist tendencies. Claims foreign-policy experience; takes credit for supporting economy of Communist China.

AL TICOR - Formerly known as Amway. Dream Job: Host of The $100,000,000,000 Pyramid Scheme.

GOLDMAN SACHS - HUGE campaign war chest.

TOY OTA - Campaign slogan: "No Slowing Down!"

DOM INOS - Campaigning on its "new taste" and "pizzazz."

J.P. MORGAN CHASE - Notably quiet on the bailout issue.

AL COA - Campaign slogan: "We Deserve A Metal."

CAT R. PILLAR - Accused of dirty deals, they say they're well-grounded.

MIKE ROSOFT - Slogan: "Voting for librulz doesn't compute!"

Obama Disappoints YET AGAIN!!

Yes. Barack Hussein Obama is a fan of the Chicago White Sox. He even called Mark Buehrle to congratulate him on his perfect game:

After the game he was treated to congratulation from one of the team's biggest fans, President Obama. Obama called Buehrle from his motorcade after an event in Ohio this afternoon and congratulated him on the "extraordinary achievement."

Shame on you, Mr. President! These are very difficult times for our country - the Detroit Tigers are in crisis! They have fallen into a tie with the White Sox for the AL Central lead!

Where is your leadership, Mr. President?????????

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

EVERYBODY TAKE COVER! WARN YOUR FRIENDS, NEIGHBORS, AND FAMILIES! CRANK UP THIS VIDEO TO FULL BLAST! THE SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE IS UNDER ATTACK AND LIBRULZ ARE MAKING OUR NATION SOCIALIST!!!!!

The Kalamazoo City Commission has unanimously passed a nondiscrimination ordinance for sexual orientation:

It will prohibit discrimination against lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered people when it comes to hiring, housing and other accommodations. The ordinance goes into effect in July.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!! THEY ARE OUT TO GET US AND DESTROY OUR WAY OF LIFE! NOW MY PARENTS' MARRIAGE OF 35 YEARS IS IN JEOPARDY BECAUSE MEMBERS OF THE K'ZOO COMMISSION HAVE DECIDED TO PUSH THE BALL FORWARD ON EQUALITY RATHER THAN DOING THE RIGHT THING AND CHEATING ON THEIR SPOUSES!!!

RUN FOR YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

But that's not all. From The Atlantic:

Have you heard that the United States is headed toward socialism? Jonah Goldberg says it is. Alabama Senator Richard Shelby says it is. Phyllis Schlafly says it is. Richard Viguerie says it is. The Republican National Committee says it is. We must be getting pretty close.

How close? This is what socialism looks like:

0.21%!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! WE'RE BECOMING SOCIALIST THANKS TO B. HUSSEIN OSAMA!!

WILL WE EVER WAKE UP AND LEARN THAT LIBRULZ ARE ATTACKING OUR RIGHT TO HATE OTHERS AND MAKING AMERICA SOCIALIST?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(End sarcasm)

Are Democrats bad for Michigan sports teams?

Why should we expect Democrats to lead effectively and do well by our state when Michigan's sports teams seem to fail under their 'leadership?'

Consider this:

• Under Obama's 'leadership,' the Red Wings are 0-1 in the Stanley Cup Finals. The last time they lost in the Finals was in 1995 - when Clinton was President.
• They won it three times during John Engler's governorship (1997, 1998, 2002), while under Granholm they've only won it once.
• Not to mention that the Tigers were lousy when Clinton was in office. Under Bush, they got the 2006 AL Championship. While their magic number to clinch the AL Central is just 97, perhaps it hasn't sunk in yet that Bush 43 is out of office.
  
• Remember the Tigers' (and the AL's) worst season ever took place during the first year of the Granholm era in Michigan (2003)
• The only team ever to go 0-16 did so under a Democrat governor. While Bush 43 was President at the time, Obama was President-elect during some of those losses.
• Reagan's 1984 landslide came just weeks after Kirk Gibson's home run and the Tigers' victory in the World Series.
  
• It was John Engler who governed during U-M's national football title in 1997 and MSU's basketball championship in 2000. The first NCAA basketball championship of the Bush 41 era (1989) was the only one for U-M.
  
• Thank you, George W. Bush, for leading CMU to two straight MAC football titles (2006, 2007)!

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Of course, there are plenty of holes in that logic - Granholm governed duriong the Tigers' AL Championship, Blanchard during the 1984 Series, and Clinton's Presidency included two straight Cup Finals sweeps for the Wings and championships for MSU basketball and U-M football.

Not to mention the fact that who's in office has nothing to do with the outcome of sporting events!

But while I wrote this factually-based snark piece, given what we have seen in Republican logic, I just can't seem to believe that this is too far-fetched to come out of the Republican spin machine.

Loch Ness Monster found in pond at CMU

Clinton demands to be re-seated at National Spelling Bee

WASHINGTON - Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton is protesting her elimination from the 2008 Scripps Howard Quayle National Spelling Bee.

Clinton misspelled credential in the first round of the two-day competition, spelling it C-R-I-D-E-N-C-H-I-L-L.

"It's unfair that among the 12 remaining spellers, some are from caucus states. They shouldn't count," said Clinton, who last year misspelled caucus K-A-H-K-I-S-S.

"To seat those contestants but not Senator Clinton would be an insult to democracy," said Harold Ickes, who had previously voted to remove Clinton from the competition.

Clinton added that she still believes she can win with the help of superspellegates.

In other Spelling Bee news, for the eighth year in a row, President Bush was eliminated for misspelling W.