Some late-night laughs

As LiberalLucy points out, humor is good for the body and soul. In that spirit - and with a hat tip to Daniel Kurtzman at About.com - I present the best in recent political late-night humor.

Bush's recent colonoscopy:
"The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, 'Hell, maybe we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.'" --David Letterman

"But everything's fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush's colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass." --David Letterman

"At least for once in our lifetimes, we saw the words 'Bush,' 'operation,' and 'success' in the same sentence." --Bill Maher, on Bush's colonoscopy

"The president had five polyps removed from his lower intestines. And here's the interesting part: they were removed for political reasons. Apparently, these polyps were not loyal Bushies and had to be replaced by more appropriate, die hard Republican polyps. Apparently, the polyps who were removed began asking questions as to why they were removed, but it was too late." --Jon Stewart

Iraq, benchmarks, and the all-night session:
"A report card on Iraq shows progress on only eight of 18 areas. Eight out of 18. And, of course, President Bush is thrilled. That's the best report card he's ever got in his life." --Jay Leno

"Last night, down in Washington, DC, they had the all-night Senate session. The senators were there all night. It was the DC madam's slowest night ever." --David Letterman

"In fact, Hillary stayed up so late, she actually saw Bill sneaking in." --Jay Leno

"As you know, we are now entering our fifth year of making very good progress in Iraq. Obviously, the president defining progress now as 'moving forward through time.' ... But this spring, Congress finally asked the president for some specifics about our progress and its level of goodness. They required him to submit regular reports, and our first report card is in [on screen: Bush saying the Iraqis have made progress on eight of 18 benchmarks]. Yes! There you have it -- eight of 18. Otherwise known as a 'Gentleman's F.'" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush was talking about Iraq today and he said that the United States and Iraq has met eight out of 18 of the benchmarks ... required in Iraq. If things don't improve, people are going to think the war isn't going well." --David Letterman

Vitter and the DC Madam:
"Louisiana Senator David Vitter held a press conference this week, where he admitted yes, he was a client of the DC madam, but he said those stories of hookers dressing him in diapers were not true. Boy, what do you do there? Are you supposed to take the word of a politician over a hooker? It's a tough decision for people." --Jay Leno

"The DC madam said he sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him ... and they didn't have sex. Another example of government waste." --Jay Leno

"What is it with Republicans and weird sex? If it's not young boys, it's diapers, some other strange fetish. Why can't they just have sex under a desk with an intern like a normal person." --Jay Leno

"One thing I'll say for this guy from Louisiana, this David Vitter, at least he went to a professional and left the congressional pages alone." --David Letterman

"The senator from Louisiana, David Vitter, he's admitted now he dates hookers in Washington, D.C, and also in Louisiana. But, he said, in his defense, he always selected the girl with the lowest bid. So he's fiscally prudent." --David Letterman

2008:
"John McCain has a new campaign slogan, 'An Army Of One.' ... I don't want to say McCain's campaign is broke, but today he held a rally at the 99-cent store." --Jay Leno

"According to a new AP poll, the most popular presidential candidate among registered Republicans is 'none of the above.' At the moment, Rudy Giuliani is running third, just behind 'Good Lord, not him.'" --Conan O'Brien

"John Edwards is on the campaign trail. He's now doing something called his 'Poverty Tour', where he's visiting people who have no money and no hope. His first stop today: John McCain's headquarters." --Jay Leno

"A member of the Florida House of Representatives and the co-chairman of John McCain's Florida campaign, a man named Bob Allen, arrested for soliciting an undercover male police officer for sex. He offered to perform a sex act on the officer for $20. How broke is the McCain campaign? I knew they needed money, I had no idea. Man, that's not a good sign when you're sending guys to the men's room to raise money." --Jay Leno

"Elizabeth Edwards called Ann Coulter on Chris Matthews' 'Hardball' yesterday to complain about the attacks on her husband. See, it's a good thing Coulter hadn't attacked Rudy Giuliani, or she would have had three angry wives calling" --Jay Leno

"Have you seen that campaign commercial for Hillary Clinton? It's a spoof on 'The Sopranos' finale. Bill Clinton appears in the ad too, along with the actor who played 'Johnny Sack.' Johnny Sack, which, coincidentally, was also Clinton's Secret Service codename." --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton has picked 'You and I' by Celine Dion as her campaign theme song. In a related story, John McCain's campaign song also by Celine Dion. It's the theme from 'Titantic.'" --Jay Leno

"In a campaign ad that's a spoof of the big 'Sopranos' finale, Hillary Clinton plays the part of Tony Soprano in the diner. Anybody know the difference between Hillary Clinton and Tony Soprano? See, Tony Soprano goes to the strip club to get away from his spouse. Hillary Clinton goes to the strip club to find her spouse" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, big announcement. Senator Clinton picked the winning campaign song during this clever parody of 'The Sopranos' finale. Clever, of course, because it compares the Clintons to a notorious crime family. ... Parody? Or is that what they call in the business, 'getting ahead of the story?'" --Jon Stewart

Bush in Albania:
"President Bush was in Albania. He thought he was going to Albany. Anyway, he ended up in Albania ... and somebody stole his watch. Bush is upset. He is really angry. He said he now has no choice but to bomb Iran." --David Letterman

"Today the White House said the president's watch was not stolen. They said he took it off before he started shaking hands, which means there are two possibilities. Either Albanians stole the president's watch, or the president took off his watch because he doesn't trust Albanians. Neither scenario paints a particularly rosy picture of Albanian-American relations." --Jimmy Kimmel

"George Bush was in Albania and his watch was stolen. ... They have a description of the guy. They say the suspect is armed and punctual. ... It's not a laughing matter. Don't kid yourselves. It's an important watch. It's the one Cheney uses to hypnotize him" --David Letterman

Miscellaneous:
"This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

"You know who got married last weekend? Al Gore's daughter. ... Al Gore is no fun at wedding receptions. He keeps pointing out how fast the ice sculpture is melting." --David Letterman

Bits of Tid: July 26, 2007

• Thousands of people across this great land heard my delightful voice on Monday. I called into Thom Hartmann's radio program and discussed how tax cuts have NOT had the impact on our economy some claim they would. Michigan has some of the lowest taxes in the US - and one of the highest unemployment rates in the US, I noted. More on that later.


• That train-wreck sound you heard? That was Alberto Gonzales. As far as I'm concerned, Gonzales can either stay for the remaining eighteen months of the Bush Administration, or he can step aside and allow someone else to take his place, offering the possibility that the cloud that has hung over the Gonzales DoJ can be lifted. But as long as Gonzo's in charge at DoJ, that cloud will remain.
  
• Call it Daschle's Revenge? Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell just might be in trouble in his bid for a fifth term in the US Senate in 2008. Kentucky Attorney General Greg Stumbo announced that he is forming an exploratory committee to run against McConnell. SurveyUSA released a poll showing McConnell's approval rating the lowest it's been in recent years.


• My latest pick for LSSU's Banished Words List (I have a couple dozen of them, folks):
  

  Smart bomb - I didn’t know that some bombs could be more intelligent than others. Of course, nowadays it can seem as though some of our bombs are smarter than many of our politicians.

• On Monday the Tigers lost both games of a double-header to the White Sox, a team that was 16.5 games behind them in the standings. Then yesterday they won one - also against the ChiSox! Oh well, they still lead the division by a game and a half.


• Coming soon to Great Lakes, Great Times, Great Scott:
  • My endorsement for the Oval Office
  • A look at the upcoming local elections - the primary is twelve days away!
  • Re-framing the tax debate
  • A preview of Congressional races across the country in 2008
  • Combating apathy, particularly amongst young people
  • How you can become a delegate to the Democratic National Convention in Denver!

Neglecting the poor on "philosophical grounds"

I guess this can't be seen as much of a surprise:

President Bush yesterday rejected entreaties by his Republican allies that he compromise with Democrats on legislation to renew a popular program that provides health coverage to poor children, saying that expanding the program would enlarge the role of the federal government at the expense of private insurance.

The president said he objects on philosophical grounds to a bipartisan Senate proposal to boost the State Children's Health Insurance Program by $35 billion over five years. Bush has proposed $5 billion in increased funding and has threatened to veto the Senate compromise and a more costly expansion being contemplated in the House.

How ironic that Bush - who called Jesus his favorite philosopher - opposes S-CHIP on "philosophical grounds."

Just what is it about S-CHIP that Bush philosophically opposes? Could it be this?

The 10-year-old program, which is set to expire on Sept. 30, costs the federal government $5 billion a year and helps provide health coverage to 6.6 million low-income children whose families do not qualify for Medicaid but cannot afford private insurance on their own. (emphasis mine)

Or maybe he takes issue with this:

About 3.3 million additional children would be covered under the proposal developed by Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus (D-Mont.) and Republican Sens. Charles E. Grassley (Iowa) and Orrin G. Hatch (Utah), among others. It would provide the program $60 billion over five years, compared with $30 billion under Bush's proposal. And it would rely on a 61-cent increase in the federal excise tax on cigarettes, to $1 a pack, which Bush opposes. (Emphasis mine)

What's philosophically wrong with spending an extra $30 billion over five years to insure 3.3 million more kids? Nearly 15 times that amount has been spent on a needless war in Iraq. (With the money that's been spent on Iraq, some 60 million children could've been insured during the time since the war began.

Of course, it's not like Bush's 'favorite philosopher' would want us to take care of the poor... or would he?

'Amen, I say to you, what you did not do for one of these least ones, you did not do for me.' (Matthew 25:45)

Hmm, now there's something to think about.

Mitt Romney is desperate

Clearly Mitt Romney has little else on which to campaign, so he feels he has to hold up a woman's sign bashing Chelsea Clinton and comparing one of America's most popular politicians to a terrorist.

And by the way, what does that woman not like about the Museum of Modern Art (MOMA)? Heck, I didn't even know Chelsea had a Museum of Modern Art!

Saturday Coffee Talk/Open Thread for Michigan Liberal

But why just have coffee, when you can have cupcakes too?

With a hat tip to Democratic Underground

• Detroit Free Press: UAW, Chrysler kick off talks.
• Detroit Free Press: GM’s global sales soar. If it's good news for GM, it's good news for Michigan.
• Mining Journal: Northern Michigan University hikes tuition 9.5 percent. Senator Bishop, care to comment? (Cricket, cricket...)
• Michigan Prospect: Fiscal Notes discusses why we need to invest in our infrastructure if Michigan is to recover soon.
• Vote No On JOE: Knollenberg leads the pack in pork barrel spending. Hey Drolet, why don't you take that pig to Knollenberg's office?
• Walberg Watch: Grumpy Tim Walberg has the latest antics from Michigan's biggest embarassment.

The WeekEnder: July 20-22, 2007

With exactly eighteen months until the end of one of the most diatrous Presidencies in American history, I welcome you to the fourth installment of The WeekEnder! The WeekEnder is a weekly series that will provide a hodgepodge of information to fill your soul, make you laugh, make you cry, and inspire you.

• Congressional Dems support students
• State court to voters: you need ID
• Oops - forgot about that
• A pricier alternative
• Achieving your goals
• Who needs work when you can vacation?
• Tim Ryan, champion of students
• Arnold Bennett dispenses some advice
• Cows and Enron
• Not a victim to what's popular

Good news: Congress passes relief for students

Thank you Democrats in Congress!

On Wednesday, July 11th, the House passed the College Cost Reduction Act of 2007, and the Senate has now followed suit. The bill will provide the single largest increase in college aid since the GI bill in 1944. The legislation invests about $18 billion dollars over the next five years in reducing college costs, helping millions of students and families. It comes at no new cost to taxpayers, and is funded by cutting excess subsidies paid by the federal government to lenders in the student loan industry.

It's great to see a majority in Congress that actually cares about students!

Bad news: Michigan Supreme Court moves to disenfranchise voters

In case you needed a reminder of where Republicans stand when it comes to election reform:

The high court split along party lines in a 5-2 decision, with Republican justices voting to uphold the ID requirement and Democrats dissenting.
The Michigan Democratic Party is weighing an appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court.

"Having a driver's license is a luxury not a right," said Pete Vargas, chairman of the Lansing school board's Chicano/Latino Advisory Committee. "Voting is a right."

City Commission candidate forgets about debate
Well, at least he's honest.

Second Ward residents hoping for a rip-roaring debate among the four candidates for their City Commission seat were disappointed Thursday.

Only two candidates -- David LaGrand and Ruth Kelly -- showed up at Clancy Street Ministries for the 90-minute televised forum, and both went out of their way to be polite to each other and the no-shows.

Contacted at home afterward, candidate Michael Booker said, "I just plain forgot about it." (emphasis added)

Blog highlight of the week: How much more do you want to pay?
I don't know anyone who loves paying taxes. But as former Michigan House candidate Dan Scripps reminds us, taxes are preferable to the alternative:

The choice in the ongoing budget debate is not whether our costs will go up, but how. Are we willing to pay a modest increase in taxes that all of us share in to build our future and get Michigan moving again, or are we going to pass the buck to make the skills we know we need to compete that much more expensive to obtain? How our representatives answer that question will tell the citizens of this state much about where our priorities are and whether we care more about our children's future than our present situation.

Link of the week: 43Things
So what do you want to do with your life?

Recently (i.e. less than 24 hours ago!) I discovered 43things.com. Create an account on 43Things, and you will be able to list things you would like to do during the course of your life (i.e. get married, write a book, visit a certain place). You can also see how many other people want to do the same thing, and hear from people who have done it.

Photo of the Week: Senators On Vacation
This photo won me $25 on a recent contest on Michigan Liberal:








Video of the Week: Tim Ryan speaks out for ordinary Americans
You go Congressman Ryan:



Quote of the week: Arnold Bennett
"The best cure for worry, depression, melancholy, brooding, is to go deliberately forth and try to lift with one's sympathy the gloom of somebody else."

Joke of the Week: Economics explained
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Final thought
I don’t care about Harry Potter. There, I said it.

Dear candidates...

I ask about leadership because oftentimes campaigns center around issues or personalities. Many of the questions that appear on Monday's debate will likely center around candidates' positions on issues as well. Thus, I decided to take a different approach.

Bits of Tid: July 19, 2007

The Rich and Famous Edition

• On Daily Kos: Ted Kennedy talks student loans, tales of seeking office, and my submission made it into Top Comments!
  
• Unable to bring the troop-withdrawal amendment to a vote, Harry Reid fires back at Senate Republicans.
  
• McCain is not the only candidate to be facing money woes.
  
• It's time to probe war profiteering, say two freshman Senators.
  
• Rep. Tim Walberg (R-WaaaaaaaayOutOfTouch) was outraised last quarter by David Nacht. Last year's Democratic nominee, Sharon Renier, spent just $50,000. We Dems just might win two Congressional seats in the next election right here in Michigan next year - swinging our state's congressional delegation to an 8-7 Democratic majority. That could be pretty important, as I discussed last month.
  
• Labor Secretary Elaine Chao says American workers stink. What she probably meant was, her boss stinks.
  
• Dennis Kucinich has food poising. Wish him the best.
  
• I WON $25!!!
  
• I have a, um, 'gut feeling' that my latest nomination for LSSU's Banished Words List just might be banished come New Year's (if for no other reason than the fact that I'm surely not the only one who has submitted it):
  

  Gut feeling - Michael Chertoff must be good if he can predict a terrorist attack based on his gut. I wish I had such capabilities.

Bits of Tid: July 18, 2007

• With deep sadness, we mourn the passing of Jim Gilmore's campaign. RIP, Gilmore campaign. We will miss you as much as we will miss Dubya when he leaves office.
  
  Now riddle me this: Jim Gilmore was a governor for four years, Mike Huckabee, for ten years, and Tommy Thompson was a governor for 14 years. Why is the press not giving as much attention to those three combined as they are to Mitt?
  
• Well, at least Romney never got a $400 haircut. But did get the next best (?) thing.
  
• Mom and I enjoy listening to the radio program Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me each Saturday on NPR. This Saturday's program, however, is going to be better than most.
  
• Hypocrisy anyone?
  
• State Supreme Court Chief ‘Justice’ Clifford Taylor has dealt with controversy surrounding his state-owned car, which he admitted to using for personal reasons. Now the MDP is buying that car:

“This car will be a continuing symbol of Taylor’s misuse of taxpayer money as we travel the state in it to campaign against his re-election. We also look forward to searching through the car to see what we can find.

Goody gumdrops!

• Congratulations, Congressman Conyers!


• Last year, WMU's president was fired. This week, Eastern's Board of Regents ousted their president and two others over the handling of the death of a student. Hopefully such msifortune will not befall CMU's Michael Rao.


• And finally, won't you vote for one of my pictures? The second Hardiman one is in a three-way deadlock with the two I didn't submit.

LTTE: Lawmakers bad employees

The following letter to the editor appears in today's Grand Rapids Press.

If you were your company's boss, and you had employees who weren't doing the work they were hired to do, wouldn't you get on their case? While Michigan continues to deal with economic and budget woes, some state lawmakers decided to put a two-week vacation above the interests of our state.

Universities and school districts are having to make budget projections based on uncertainty. Businesses considering moving to Michigan are scared away by the state's poor credit rating. Why aren't such lawmakers as Senate Majority Leader Mike Bishop willing to work toward a solution to this budget crisis? What's more, many lawmakers oppose a tax increase. Never mind the fact that Republicans raised the gas and cigarette taxes when John Engler was governor, or that our personal income and business tax rates are lower than those of most other states. Or that a bipartisan panel recently said that new revenues are needed to get our state out of the fiscal and economic hole.

I certainly don't fault Governor Jennifer Granholm, who has worked tirelessly over the past few years to fix the enormous problems Michigan faces. Michigan lawmakers are paid a salary of $80,000 per year, more than state legislators in most other states.

What business do they have in the Legislature if they choose vacationing over working?

As Americans, we are the bosses of our elected officials. As Michigan residents, we must remind our lawmakers that they're not paid to fiddle while our state burns.

-- SCOTT URBANOWSKI/Kentwood

I humbly accept your applause. ;-)

Please read the other letters in today's Press as well; we have lots of good ones today, including another one that uses the 'fiddling while Michigan burns' metaphor! (There's also more illustrious framing of the issue here.)

(I should note that in the version I sent in, the paragraphs didn't break the way they do here. So if, say, the third to last paragraph didn't make sense, now you know why.)