Kardashian Wins Iowa Republican Caucus

By SNARX NEWS

DES MOINES - Ms. Kim Kardashian, one of the most influential, inspirational, and important people in the world, won the Iowa Republican caucuses Tuesday, setting her up as the favorite to face President Barack Obama this fall.

With 99% of precincts reporting, Kardashian had 41% of the vote in the caucuses, with other Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney garnering 15% each and Ron Paul receiving roughly 14%.

Jon Huntsman, one of the last four somewhat-sane Republicans still alive, received negative-1 percent of the vote.

"I am so happy for my sis," said Mrs. Khloe Odom in a statement released early Wednesday.

Analysts credited a number of factors for Kardashian's win.

"She combines the marital fidelity of Newt Gingrich and the intelligence of Rick Perry with the wealth of Mitt Romney and the craziness of Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul," noted Kandy Krowley of KNN (Kardashian News Network).

Krowley noted that Kardashian also appeals to the Republican family-values crowd in a way that is reminiscent of Rick Santorum.

"While it's true I was married and divorced, at least I'm not a lesbian," noted Kardashian in a recent debate.

In an interview with KNN Wednesday morning, Perry attributed his disappointing performance to "three main factors: A weak ground game, stiff competition, and.... I can't remember the other one."