What's this, Mr. President?

So let me get this straight, Mr. President. I voted for you, I've supported you through thick and thin, I've been planning to support you for another term - and you show up at that school in Columbus????

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

;-)

Kardashian Wins Iowa Republican Caucus

By SNARX NEWS

DES MOINES - Ms. Kim Kardashian, one of the most influential, inspirational, and important people in the world, won the Iowa Republican caucuses Tuesday, setting her up as the favorite to face President Barack Obama this fall.

With 99% of precincts reporting, Kardashian had 41% of the vote in the caucuses, with other Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney garnering 15% each and Ron Paul receiving roughly 14%.

Jon Huntsman, one of the last four somewhat-sane Republicans still alive, received negative-1 percent of the vote.

"I am so happy for my sis," said Mrs. Khloe Odom in a statement released early Wednesday.

Analysts credited a number of factors for Kardashian's win.

"She combines the marital fidelity of Newt Gingrich and the intelligence of Rick Perry with the wealth of Mitt Romney and the craziness of Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul," noted Kandy Krowley of KNN (Kardashian News Network).

Krowley noted that Kardashian also appeals to the Republican family-values crowd in a way that is reminiscent of Rick Santorum.

"While it's true I was married and divorced, at least I'm not a lesbian," noted Kardashian in a recent debate.

In an interview with KNN Wednesday morning, Perry attributed his disappointing performance to "three main factors: A weak ground game, stiff competition, and.... I can't remember the other one."

You go Justin Amash - to hell with direct election of Senators!

Justin Amash decided to have fun on his Facebook page on Saturday night. I don't begrudge him that; it's tough being a Congressman, especially one who has to spend time coming up with excuses for not serving the people.

So let's play along with him, shall we?

Just a few of the things that happened in 1913:

• Woodrow Wilson became President
  
• The Department of Commerce and Labor split in two, making the Department of Commerce and the Department of Labor
  
• The First Balkan War ended
  
• The Second Balkan War took place that summer
  
• Stainless steel was invented
  
• Henry Ford created the first assembly line
  
• The zipper was invented

Hmm. I can't see why Amash wouldn't like any of that. Maybe assembly lines are just too damn efficient? Maybe he has an objection to stainless steel? Maybe an intellectual like Woodrow Wilson shouldn't have become President?

Or does he have a - ahem - zipper problem?

Hmmmmmmmm.

Actually, there are a couple of events that took place that year that conservatives rue. In February of that year, the 16th Amendment was ratified (allowing for the collection of income taxes), and in December President Wilson created the Federal Reserve.

But there's something else that happened that year: The 17th Amendment was ratified. That's the amendment that provided that we, the people, would directly elect our US Senators, instead of having our state lawmakers elect our Senators (which is how it was done for this country's first 124 years).

I wouldn't blame him. With a rock-solid Republican legislature, Michigan would have a Republican US Senator for the 2013-2019 term.

Instead, thanks to the 17th Amendment, Debbie Stabenow will probably remain in the Senate for those six years. Terri Lynn Land, Mike Rogers, Pete Hoekstra, and Candice Miller have all said they won't run against her - and now, neither will Thad McCotter.

Darn it, if not for the freedom to choose our own US Senators...

Ah! Now I see why Amash wants to get rid of 1913!

UPDATE: Whoa, look what I found on Twitter!






Wow! A guy with a Republican 'twibbon' praises Justin Amash's status, and includes both the 16th AND the 17th Amendments in a hashtag.

So if Amash himself is fine with the 17th Amendment, at least one of his conservative Republican followers wants to see it go!

So much for that love for freedom and liberty!

Dear Abby joke

Bet you won't expect the punchline to this one:

Dear Abby,

I am a resident of Los Angeles. My parents live in a suburb of Miami. They have recently been arrested for selling crack cocaine to a kindergarten class and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Miami. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Texas for murder. The other is currently in jail in Alabama on charges of incest.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Los Angeles and indeed is still a part-time "working girl." We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my cousin who is a strong Scott Walker supporter?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

My Christmas gift to you!

Late-night jokes

From about.com:

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." —Craig Ferguson, on O'Donnell claiming she attended Oxford University

"Today we found out that a third college Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." —Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." —David Letterman

"Rahm Emanuel is leaving the Obama administration. He wants to become mayor of Chicago. If you're mayor of Chicago, that means you report directly to Oprah." —David Letterman

''Of course, a lot of right wingers are very upset about this because they believe this health care bill will cost a lot of money. You know what I think? Just pretend it's another unnecessary war. You'll feel better about it already.'' —Jay Leno

''Everyone is talking about Steven Slater, the flight attendant who cursed at a passenger, grabbed two beers, and slid down the escape slide, in what may be the best resignation ever. In fact he's so good at quitting, they're thinking about making him the next governor of Alaska.'' —Jimmy Kimmel

''Sarah Palin made her debut as a Fox News contributor tonight on 'The O'Reilly Factor.' I tried to record it, but my DVR quit halfway through.'' —Jimmy Fallon

''They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.'' —David Letterman

I haven't made you laugh in a while

So let's do something about that! We'll start with some one-liners.

• The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
• People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
• An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
• A word of advice...don't give it.
• If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
• I am logged in...therefore, I am.
• A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
• Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.
• To belittle is to be little.
• When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.
• Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
• The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
• I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
• A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
• Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
• Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
• Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Puns!

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

And finally, in honor of Phoebe, a golden lab whom we are adopting this week: Rules for dogs!

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

By the way, these were emailed to me.

Some jokes I've received via email

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos in Vegas.

Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday Mass will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the Churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The Churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G~d's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, I sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

One of my husband's duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson, S.C., was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, "There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!"

Checking to see that he had everyone's attention, he asked, "What is the first rule?"

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, "Shut up, Drill Sergeant!"

The dessert chef was very smart. He had graduated Pie Baker Kappa.

You gotta be careful of corn at night. They can be early creepy with their husky voices and seedy appearance. Why, they even cob right out and tell you to shuck it right to your face.

Cheddar is as Gouda cheese as any American could wish for, and while we Edam all that is something one could never Provolone.

The Alpine Skiing competition started poorly and went downhill from there.

My girlfriend scares me, so every time we go to dinner it's intimi-dating.

I thought the telescope was broken, but after looking into it further, I found out it was not.blockquote>

ScottyUrb faces stiff challenge in re-election bid for Precinct Delegate

KENTWOOD, MI (Unassociated Press/Snarx News) - Scott Urbanowski, the funny and mildly attractive blogger known on the series of tubes as ScottyUrb, has filed to run for a third term as Democratic Precinct Delegate in Kentwood - beginning what is expected to be a contentious campaign for re-election for the 22-year-old activist, blogger, and soon-to-be Central Michigan University graduate.

"There has been no greater spokesperson for truthiness, justice, and the American way," said Urbanowski, who ran as Stephen T. Colbert's vice-presidential running mate.

While Urbanowski is used to facing competition - he won by one vote in the 2008 election - this time will be different. In the wake of the controversial Citizens United v. FEC decision, he expects many serious contenders in his bid for re-election.

Among them are:

HAL E. BURTON - Comes from, ahem, a well-oiled machine.

CARL ISLE - See above.

WALLY MART Known for sexist tendencies. Claims foreign-policy experience; takes credit for supporting economy of Communist China.

AL TICOR - Formerly known as Amway. Dream Job: Host of The $100,000,000,000 Pyramid Scheme.

GOLDMAN SACHS - HUGE campaign war chest.

TOY OTA - Campaign slogan: "No Slowing Down!"

DOM INOS - Campaigning on its "new taste" and "pizzazz."

J.P. MORGAN CHASE - Notably quiet on the bailout issue.

AL COA - Campaign slogan: "We Deserve A Metal."

CAT R. PILLAR - Accused of dirty deals, they say they're well-grounded.

MIKE ROSOFT - Slogan: "Voting for librulz doesn't compute!"

Proven Leadership: Why I Support Mike Cox for Governor

For eight years, Michigan has wallowed in the pain of a governor who doesn't value our businesses. Jennifer Hussein Granholm has single-handedly destroyed Michigan in the past several years. In fact she has been so horrible that, anticipating her Marxist stranglehold, Michigan's unemployment rate actually surpassed the national rate more than a year after she became governor.

It is clear, then, that we need someone who's actually going to step up and lead. That's why I support Mike Cox for Governor.

Cox has taken the lead by:

• Interfering in an investigation into a wild party at Manoogian Mansion;
  
• Suing to stop Michigan residents from getting the healthcare they need; and
  
• Refusing to do his job. We cannot have a governor who does their job and proves that government actually can work!!!
  

This was a difficult choice for me to make. Pete Hoekstra has opposed everything from healthcare to environmental regulations to doing the right thing. But while Cox has done all of this, Hoekstra has been less forceful, leading me to believe that the Congressman may be a Communist.

Tom George and Mike Bouchard are even worse Communists - have they spoken out against making government work? Not that much!

And Rick Snyder? HE ACTUALLY BRAGS ABOUT BEING A NERD! WE CANNOT HAVE A SMART GOVERNOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's why we need to support Mike Cox for Governor. He impedes justice and equality and is determined to make government not do anything. In short, he he is a conservative in the truest sense of the term.

Oh, and one more thing:

APRIL FOOL'S!

Not giving up humor for Lent

Bits of Tid: January 5, 2010

• Merry 12th Day of Christmas! I don't have 12 drummers drumming for you (or any of the rest, for that matter), but I do have this:
  
  
• You know that stimulus most of the Republicans opposed and complained about? It looks like it has saved more than 30 million people from extreme poverty. I wonder what right-wingers who call themselves Christians would have to say?
• Even the Washington Post is condemning the attacks on Obama's handling of the attempted plane bombing.
• Please take just a few minutes to share with Organizing for America your thoughts on where they should take OFA in 2010.
  
• From @OMGFacts on Twitter:

  If you put a drop of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

  Insert your own joke here.
• From the inaugural remarks of Houston Mayor Annise Parker, who leads more people than any other openly GLBT mayor in American history:

  "Do not fear to dream big dreams. Bring your whole self to everything you do. Face the world with dignity and integrity. I promise you, the pain is worth the reward."

• $100 says the Lions don't lose another regular-season game until September.

Bits of Tid: December 27, 2009

• Dear wannabe spammers: No, I do not want to see Miley Cyrus sans clothing.
• It's the third day of Christmas! Where are my French hens? Where are my turtle doves? Where is my partridge in a pear tree? Mr. President, you promised me all of this! I am this close to never voting for another Democrat ever again! {/snark}
• From an email - Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents:

  10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q- Tips".
  9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper.
  8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
  7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
  6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're Cheap!!!".
  5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay.
  4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.
  3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam.
  2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
  1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

• I hope Jonathan Chait is right:
  

  The Republicans eschewed a halfway compromise and put all their chips on an all or nothing campaign to defeat health care and Obama's presidency. It was an audacious gamble. They lost. In the end, they'll walk away with nothing. The Republicans may gain some more seats in 2010 by their total obstruction, but the substantive policy defeat they've been dealt will last for decades.

• Pete Hoekstra says what happened the other day near the Detroit Airport was a terrorist attack. Even though he wasn't briefed on it, and even though the attempt cannot be described as anything but an epic fail. I'm guessing Hoekstra wants us to see this as an attack that happened under Obama - with all the bad that is supposed to represent - and forget what happened during Bush's first year in office.
  
  More on conservative attempts at exploitation here.
  

Need a laugh?

With Christmas coming soon, and with all that's been happening lately, I wanted to brighten up your week with some laughter. Consider it a Christmas present from yours truly. ;-)

---------------------------------------------------------



---------------------------------------------------------

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
---------------------------------------------------------

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Internet, he won't bother you for weeks!
---------------------------------------------------------

FROM JEFF FOXWORTHY’S “YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...”

• You see a billboard that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.


• You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."


• The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.


• You hunt from your bedroom window.


• Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.


• The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About what?"


• You take a beer to a job interview.


• You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

---------------------------------------------------------



---------------------------------------------------------

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

---------------------------------------------------------

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing: 1) religion; 2) royalty; 3) sex; and 4) mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

---------------------------------------------------------

EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT ESSAYS
• A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
• Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
• I expected to enjoy the film, but that was before I saw it.
• Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
• When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.
• It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
• Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
• The dog ran across the lawn, emitting whelps all the way.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
• The bowels are a, e i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
• The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
• The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.
• Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.

---------------------------------------------------------



---------------------------------------------------------

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Evening massage - 6 p.m.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Today's Sermon: “How Much Can A Man Drink?” with hymns from a full choir.
• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD... Dr. Hargreaves is better.
• Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

---------------------------------------------------------

ONE-LINERS
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they 'garnish' his wages?
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He said, “You're ugly too.”
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

---------------------------------------------------------

PRAYERS AND THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
• When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
• My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
• My son, in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
• I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
• I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
• I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "And to the republic for Richard Stands."
• When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
• When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
• When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

Bits of Tid: November 18, 2009

• Today is Mickey Mouse Day, Married to a Scorpio Support Day, and National Education Support Professionals Day.
• From Daily Kos:
  

  Steve King (R-IA) chose to miss his son's wedding so could vote against health care reform -- that he knew was going to pass. What an ass.

  
  
• I'm not the biggest fan of polls, but if this one is to be believed, then Sarah Palin just might be the Democrats' dream opponent. Also.
• Palin will be in Roswell early next month. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.
  
• 
  

Bits of Tid: October 26, 2009

• We're getting closer and closer to meaningful healthcare reform! Senator Reid is backing a public option with the option of allowing states to back out of it. While I can't say I agree with the opt-out provision, what is being offered now is certainly a lot better than what we have currently in our healthcare system.
• How's that No Worker Left Behind program working for Michigan?

  Of the nearly 34,360 people who finished training between August 2007 and February 2009, about 24,700, or 72 percent, either retained work or got a new job, while about 9,660, or 28 percent, were still looking for a job, according to the report being released Monday. It found more than 16,840 kept their jobs and about 7,860 found new employment.
  
  No Worker Left Behind offers up to $10,000 over two years to workers who attend community colleges or other training programs. It's overseen by the Michigan Department of Energy, Labor and Economic Growth, which compiled the review.

Bits of Tid: October 15, 2009

• RNC website fail.
• Boy oh boy, this Mackinac Island GOP drinking scandal is getting hot!
  
• Speaking of which, First Dog Bo is dealing with a major scandal himself: It appears he may have pooped on Air Force One!
  
• So this is why he won the Nobel Prize!
  
  
• Tigers' magic number: 163.

Bits of Tid: August 25, 2009

• For those of you who don't know (since it has been a while since I explained it), Bits of Tid is my semi-regular compilation of news and other items. The name comes from reversing the syllables in 'Tidbits' and sticking 'of' in between.
  
• Mention that the public option is just that - an option - and people are much more supportive of it.
• It's a start: Attorney General Holder has appointed a special investigator to look at detainee abuse.
• Barack Obama's vacation reading list includes five books totaling more than 2,300 pages.
  
• A group of local Republican leaders in Illinois

  held a meeting and prepared to recite the pledge. Oops. There was no flag in the room for them to face while reciting. What to do?
  
  Why, call on a fellow named Gene to come to the rescue. Gene was wearing a shirt decked out in an American flag pattern. He came forward, and the group of assembled Republicans pledged allegiance to his shirt.

• Tigers' magic number: 35. Ironically they've scored fewer runs than three of the other four teams in the AL Central, but they've also allowed the fewest runs. Possible proof that defense wins championships?
  
• Yesterday was my 18th - and, for now, final - first day of school. Where has the time gone?
  

Late-summer joke roundup

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Claude the Amazing Hypnotist was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.... "

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Crap!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

You Ever Wonder Why...

• Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
• Why doctors call what they do "practice"? And...
• Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

The OTHER problem with our healthcare system...

...Terminology! From a couple of emails:

• Benign: What you be after you be eight. 
  
• Bacteria: Door to the cafeteria. 
  
• Barium: What doctors do when patients die. 
  
• Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome. 
  
• Catscan: Searching for Kitty. 
  
• Cauterize: Made eye contact with her. 
  
• Colic: A sheep dog. 
  
• Coma: A punctuation mark. 
  
• D&C: Where Washington is. 
  
• Dilate: To live long. 
  
• Enema: Not a friend. 
  
• Fester: Quicker than someone else. 
  
• Fibula: A small lie. 
  
• G.I. Series: World Series of military baseball. 
  
• Hangnail: What you hang your coat on. 
  
• Impotent: Distinguished, well known. 
  
• Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
  
• Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane. 
  
• Morbid: A higher offer than I bid. 
  
• Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates. 
  
• Node: I knew it. 
  
• Outpatient: A person who has fainted. 
  
• Pap Smear: A fatherhood test. 
  
• Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis. 
  
• Post Operative: A letter carrier. 
  
• Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery. 
  
• Rectum: Damn near killed him. 
  
• Secretion: Hiding something. 
  
• Seizure: Roman emperor. 
  
• Tablet: A small table. 
  
• Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. 
  
• Tumor: More than one. 
  
• Urine: Opposite of mine. 
  
• Varicose: Near by/close by.