With Christmas coming soon, and with all that's been happening lately, I wanted to brighten up your week with some laughter. Consider it a Christmas present from yours truly. ;-)
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Internet, he won't bother you for weeks!
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FROM JEFF FOXWORTHY’S “YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...”
- You see a billboard that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.
- You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."
- The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.
- You hunt from your bedroom window.
- Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.
- The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About what?"
- You take a beer to a job interview.
- You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!
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A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."
POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing: 1) religion; 2) royalty; 3) sex; and 4) mystery.
The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"
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EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT ESSAYS
• A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
• Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
• I expected to enjoy the film, but that was before I saw it.
• Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
• When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.
• It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
• Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
• The dog ran across the lawn, emitting whelps all the way.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
• The bowels are a, e i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
• The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
• The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.
• Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.
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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Evening massage - 6 p.m.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Today's Sermon: “How Much Can A Man Drink?” with hymns from a full choir.
• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD... Dr. Hargreaves is better.
• Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
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ONE-LINERS
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they 'garnish' his wages?
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He said, “You're ugly too.”
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
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PRAYERS AND THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
• When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
• My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
• My son, in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
• I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
• I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
• I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "And to the republic for Richard Stands."
• When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
• When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
• When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.
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