I haven't made you laugh in a while

So let's do something about that! We'll start with some one-liners.

• The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
• People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.
• An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.
• A word of advice...don't give it.
• If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?
• I am logged in...therefore, I am.
• A journey of a hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.
• Justice is blind and in some cases...deaf and dumb.
• To belittle is to be little.
• When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.
• Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.
• The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.
• I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.
• A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
• Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.
• Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
• Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

Puns!

• Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
• A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
• A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
• A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
• He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

And finally, in honor of Phoebe, a golden lab whom we are adopting this week: Rules for dogs!

NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark -- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never quite catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.

By the way, these were emailed to me.