I've been so busy lately, but I wanted to make sure you had the chance to see what the various late-night comedians had to say about our historic election a few weeks ago! Thanks to Daniel Kurtzman at About.com for compiling these!
- Attention passengers, the Straight Talk Express is no longer in service.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama is our new president. And I think I speak for most Americans when I say, anybody mind if he starts a little early?
- At the end of the evening, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or, as Fox News says, too close to call.
- Last night's results mean one thing for John McCain. That is that Sunday's debate will be even more crucial. He's really up against the wall now.
- But Republicans had a bad night all around. I mean, anywhere you look. Even the crooked voting machines in Florida broke down.
- How about Sarah Palin, ladies and gentlemen. Right now on her way back to Alaska. And I'm thinking oh, I wouldn't want to be a moose now.
- By the way, his concession speech last night was so effective, so positive that he shot up 4 points in the polls.
- You know, it's amazing, Barack Obama won in Florida and still became president. That never happens. In fact, today, Democrats are asking for a recount. They can't believe they won.
- And, of course, it was a huge celebration over at Barack Obama headquarters, otherwise known as MSNBC.
- Well, right after Barack Obama clinched the [nomination], did you see TV cameras caught Jesse Jackson standing at the celebration with tears in his eyes? Not because Barack won, because he makes more than $250 thousand a year.
- President Bush said today that he watched the coverage on TV last night and he was amazed. He was amazed, he couldn't believe how many states there were. They're all over the place!
- See, I got to admit, as a comedian, I'm gonna miss President Bush. Because Barack Obama is not easy to do jokes about. He doesn't give you a lot to go on. See, this is why God gave us Joe Biden.
- You know who is really, really happy that John McCain did not win last night? The boyfriend of Sarah Palin's daughter. He doesn't have to get married now. 'Whew, thank God!'
- A huge turnout in Hollywood. In fact, for the first time ever, there were more celebrities in voting booths than in rehab. That has never happened. They say this was most expensive election in history, costing over $1 billion. Do you realize that is the equivalent of three Wall Street CEO bonuses?
- Anybody get a robo-call from Bill Clinton? They had those out there, too. See, I knew it was from Clinton right away, because if a man answers, it automatically hangs up.
- Obama thanked the President for his call and for all he did to help him get elected.
- Hey if you think about it, President Bush is at least partially responsible for us having our first black president, so never let it be said he didn't accomplish anything. Maybe George Bush doesn't hate black people after all.
- Bush invited Obama to come visit him at the White House, which was a nice thing to do. He wants to show him, I guess, the presidential tree house and teach him how to turn the Oval Office couch cushions into a fort. All the fun stuff.
- The real challenge, though, is for Joe Biden because he's got to figure out how to get Dick Cheney out of the vice presidential mansion. As you know, Dick Cheney is armed and has a history of shooting old men.
- Really, an historic night last night. You may have heard, Barack Obama will be the first black president of the United States of America. ... Obama is also the first Democrat to receive more than 50 percent of the vote since Jimmy Carter, the first senator to be elected since Jack Kennedy, the first Muslim to be ... I said too much.
- As soon as the results were final, Barack Obama received a congratulatory call from still-President Bush, who told him, 'What an awesome night for you. I called to congratulate you and your good bride.' Why couldn't you just say wife? This being an official statement and all, I thought I would make it weird. Anyway, you all should come over to my family building at food eating time. We could hang out and word trade.
- I watched Obama's victory speech in Grant Park. I actually loved watching the shots of the crowd, which looked like a Benetton ad - different races, different ages, all different kinds of people. I thought it was fantastic. Meanwhile, over at McCain's speech, there were all different kinds of white people. They had tons of them -- yuppies, golfers, Osmonds.
- Obama's victory would not have been not possible without the help of the leaders who came before him - Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson, and most importantly, President Bush, who has set the bar pretty low.
- The stock market dropped over 400 points today, which is not a reflection on Obama. No, the brokers just realized they've still got three months of George Bush.