You're well overdue one of these. In honor of April Fool's Day, I'm pleased to present my latest compilation of late-night laughs courtesy of Daniel Kurtzman at About.com.
"Well, of course, this Sunday is Easter. Of course, Easter is that very, very holy day when Christians around the world honor a 2,000-year-old Jewish man who is not Larry King."
"Another political sex scandal in the New York area in the papers today. Unbelievable what's going on lately. This is the latest. A man who used to be the chauffeur for New Jersey's former governor, Jim McGreevey, is claiming that he used to have three-way sex with McGreevy and his wife. Yeah. True story. When asked about it, McGreevey said, 'That's a lie. I would never have had sex with my wife.'"
"Hillary Clinton, hard at work campaigning today. That's right. Today, Hillary Clinton said that the war would end up costing $1 trillion. Hillary wasn't talking about Iraq. She was talking about her war with Barack Obama."JAY LENO
"Vice President Dick Cheney also in Iraq this week. Cheney told the Iraqi government that their leaders have to show some progress on both their domestic and economic fronts. And the Iraqis said to Cheney, 'Uh, you first.'"
"Today marks the five-year anniversary of the war in Iraq, and President Bush said his decision to invade was 'remarkably effective.' Yeah, that's why we're still there after five years. Happy Anniversary!"
"Bush also went on to say that Bear Stearns is just going through a tough time and victory's just around the corner. ... I don't want to say Wall Street is in financial trouble. You know who's in charge of Bear Stearns right now, you know who's running it? Britney Spears' dad."
"Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick has been charged with perjury and lying under oath after being caught sending sexually explicit text messages to his female chief of staff. This was the most embarrassing thing to happen to a Democratic politician in, like, a week."
"Well, the sad thing is, Kwame Kilpatrick was considered a rising star in the Democratic Party. Apparently, he just spent a little too much time rising."
"New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson endorsed Barack Obama ... The reason this is such a big story is that Bill Richardson was a member of the Clinton cabinet. And Clinton adviser James Carville ... on Good Friday, he called Bill Richardson a Judas. Called him a Judas. Well, you know, there are a lot of biblical references in this race. Now they're calling Bill Clinton 'Jonah' because he was once swallowed by a whale."
"Today, Barack Obama criticized John McCain for mistakenly saying that Iran was sending aid to al Qaeda in Iraq, which is not true. And afterwards, President Bush told McCain, 'Don't worry about it. I didn't know that either.'"
"It could now be profitable for oil companies to start drilling for oil in Los Angeles again. And once again, I think President Bush doesn't really understand this issue. Like today, he announced the drawing of a contingency plan to invade the San Fernando Valley."
"One of the women Paterson had an affair with was a state employee. He said he tried to end the affair, but since she was a state employee, there was so much paperwork involved, it was just easier to just keep banging her."
"So, let's see, Jim McGreevey was having three-ways. Eliot Spitzer was having sex with prostitutes. The new governor, David Paterson, was having an affair. You realize the only politician in New York not getting any sex -- Hillary Clinton."
"Are you all ready for March Madness? Well, you know how it works. You start with 64. That goes down to 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 2, until there's just one left. You know, not teams of the NCAA. You know, brokerage houses on Wall Street."
"Even President Bush starting to get worried about this economy being out of control, you know. I mean, gold is over $1,000 an ounce. Oil, $100 a barrel. Hookers, $5,000 an hour."
"And I love this. On his first day, the governor admitted to having an affair. Actually, having a couple of affairs. Yeah. See, I think it's great to combine your swearing in speech with your 'I cheated on my wife' speech. That way the wife only has to stand beside you one time."
"So the last governor was going to hookers. The new governor admits to having an affair. Do you think New York is longing for the good old days when Rudy Giuliani would just run around in women's clothes?"
"No, Barack Obama admitted he wasn't aware of some of the more radical rhetoric because, like most Americans, he falls asleep in church."
"And Elton John announced this week he's gonna sing at a big fundraiser for Hillary Clinton next month. Is that a good idea? Hillary and Elton on the stage? Let's hope they don't show up wearing the same pantsuit."
"Vice President Dick Cheney went to Iraq. Or, as he calls it, Spring Break."
"I've been watching that John Adams miniseries on HBO. You seen this? Boy, it's really good. You know, it's fun to see all the Founding Fathers. They're all in it. John Adams, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John McCain."
"A Happy St. Patrick's Day to everybody! Amazing, over 300 sober people. You never see that on St. Patrick's Day. Everybody's wearing green. The only place you didn't see any green today, Wall Street."
"And what's going on with Geraldine Ferraro? Did you hear what she said today? She said today, 'The leprechaun wouldn't be in the position he's in if he wasn't green.'"
"St. Patrick's Day, of course, is the day we celebrate St. Patrick, who drove the snakes from Ireland. Ironically, it also marks the day a hooker drove a governor from office."
"Governor Spitzer of New York officially, who officially resigned today has got more problems, because they're now saying he spent thousands of dollars on these prostitutes and tried to make it look like a legitimate expense. Yeah, yeah. Like after he had sex with them, he'd make the hooker go out and fix a pothole."
"Anybody got one of these yet, the new redesigned $5 bill? It's out, new $5 bill. It has several new features. One of the new features, it's only worth $3."
"The dollar has fallen fast on the world market. In fact, there has now been a request to take 'In God We Trust' off the bill. The request came from God."
"Things are not looking good for the Democratic Party. In fact, the tension between Barack and Hillary is almost as bad as the tension between Bill and Hillary."
"Hillary now says that she just made an honest mistake when she said she had to duck sniper fire in Bosnia. There was no hostile fire of any kind. Although, ironically, while she was away, Bill Clinton did see some action."
"I don't know if you folks from out of town are aware of this, but here lately we've had trouble with our governor. And now are reports that former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey and his wife were having wild, crazy, three-way sexual activities with his assistant. I can't even get my assistant to make coffee."
"Are you fold excited about March Madness? You know, here's how it works. We go from 65 to 32, then to 16, and then to eight and -- well, no, no, that's -- those are Hillary Clinton's superdelegates."
"I was thinking about this today. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and what a contest for the Democratic presidential nomination. Kind of exciting, isn't it? They've got a lot in common. Hillary and Barack have a great deal in common. Both are lawyers, both are senators and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton."
"And now and not a minute too soon, there's a quiz that you can take to tell if your spouse is cheating. Question number one: Is your spouse a governor?"
"There was one bit of good news for the economy earlier today. At the last minute, a large investment bank was rescued at the last minute. It was adopted by Angelina Jolie."
"It was an exciting day up in Albany. At the governor's mansion earlier today, women were outside of the governor's mansion wearing buttons that read 'Kiss me, I'm $4,000.'"
"They were celebrating St. Patrick's Day down in Washington and, of course, President Bush was so confused. He comes out on the White House lawn and pardons the corned beef. "
"But how many of you folks go to the St. Patrick's Day Parade here in New York City? Well, a lot of Irish dignitaries at the parade. You had O'Connor, you had O'Hare, you had Obama, what?"
"Are you worried about the stock market? It dropped another 4,000 points or something today, I don't know. Luckily, for me, I don't know about you folks, but I'm not in the stock market. Yeah. I have all of my money in a chain of Amy Winehouse hair salons."
"But President Bush is concerned about the economy. He admitted today that the economy is a little sluggish, a little sluggish right now. The same way Elvis is a little sluggish right now, too. Elvis can't come out, he's a little sluggish."
"A lot of American dignitaries visiting the Middle East. Senator McCain, running for president, is in Iraq. ... Of course, he remembers Iraq when it was known as Mesopotamia."
"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records."