Bits of Tid: December 29, 2009

• Yikes. As I was driving my van onto a snowy and icy entrance ramp to I-96 yesterday, I lost control and slid partway into a ditch. Luckily, the van suffered no apparent damage, and other than being shaken up, I was fine.
  
  Fine, that is, until I had to pay the towing company. But the point is, as far as accidents go, that was a very minor one - not even a fender-bender. And of course, I was wearing my seat belt. So I hope you're careful on the roadways - especially those ramps!
• Speaking of traveling safely, Republicans in Congress have provided opposition to TSA funding - a move which many call hypocritical, while some suggest it makes them responsible if something should happen down the line.
• Also, here's a good piece about then-President Bush's response to the shoe-bombing incident which took place around the same point in Bush's presidency as the Metro Airport incident did in Obama's.
• To all the attention-seekers out there -from Ezekiel 28:17:

  Your heart became proud on account of your beauty, and you corrupted your wisdom because of your splendor.

Bits of Tid: December 27, 2009

• Dear wannabe spammers: No, I do not want to see Miley Cyrus sans clothing.
• It's the third day of Christmas! Where are my French hens? Where are my turtle doves? Where is my partridge in a pear tree? Mr. President, you promised me all of this! I am this close to never voting for another Democrat ever again! {/snark}
• From an email - Ten Signs Your Kids Don't Like Their Christmas Presents:

  10. There's something half-hearted about the way they say, "Oh wow -- Q- Tips".
  9. They spend Christmas morning making up games involving wrapping paper.
  8. They hire a Gambino family hit man to break Santa's kneecaps.
  7. You see them trying to shove everything back up the chimney.
  6. Spelled out in Legos on the front lawn are the words "You're Cheap!!!".
  5. Moments after they unwrap gifts, you see them for sale on E-Bay.
  4. Your son simply refuses to understand why you couldn't get him two hours alone with Cindy Crawford.
  3. They cite your gifts as a major factor in their decision to convert to Islam.
  2. You wake up and find the head of Elmo in your bed.
  1. They ask, "Where'd you buy this stuff -- Crap `R' Us?"

• I hope Jonathan Chait is right:
  

  The Republicans eschewed a halfway compromise and put all their chips on an all or nothing campaign to defeat health care and Obama's presidency. It was an audacious gamble. They lost. In the end, they'll walk away with nothing. The Republicans may gain some more seats in 2010 by their total obstruction, but the substantive policy defeat they've been dealt will last for decades.

• Pete Hoekstra says what happened the other day near the Detroit Airport was a terrorist attack. Even though he wasn't briefed on it, and even though the attempt cannot be described as anything but an epic fail. I'm guessing Hoekstra wants us to see this as an attack that happened under Obama - with all the bad that is supposed to represent - and forget what happened during Bush's first year in office.
  
  More on conservative attempts at exploitation here.
  

Letter from Jesus regarding Christmas

From an email:

Dear Children,

It has come to my attention that many of you are upset that folks are taking My name out of the season. Maybe you've forgotten that I wasn't actually born during this time of the year. It was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on what was actually a time of pagan festival, although I do appreciate being remembered anytime. How I personally feel about this celebration can probably be most easily understood by those of you who have been blessed with children and grandchildren of your own. I don't care what you call the day.

If you want to celebrate My birth, just get along and love one another. Now, having said that...let Me go on... If it bothers you that the town in which you live doesn't allow a scene depicting My birth, then just get rid of a couple of Santas and snowmen, and put in a small Nativity scene on your own front lawn. If all My followers did that, there wouldn't be any need for such a scene on the town square because there would be many of them all around town.

Don't worry about the fact that people are calling the tree a holiday tree instead of a Christmas tree. It was I who made all trees; you can remember Me anytime you see any tree. Decorate a grape vine if you wish...I actually spoke of that one in a teaching, explaining who I am in relation to you and what each of our tasks were. If you have forgotten that one about the vine, look up John 15:1-8.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth, here is my wish list; choose something from it:

1. Instead of writing protest letters objecting to the way My birthday is being celebrated, write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home. They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year. I know because they tell Me all the time.

2. Visit someone in a nursing home, not just during Christmas time, but all through the year. You don't have to know them personally. They just need to know that someone cares about them.

3. Instead of writing "George" complaining about the wording on the cards his staff sent out this year, why don't you write and tell him that you'll be praying for him and his family this year...then follow up. It will be nice hearing from you again.

4. Instead of giving your children a lot of gifts you can't afford and they don't need, spend time with them. Tell them the story of My birth and why I came to live with you down here. Hold them in your arms and remind them that I love them.

5. Pick someone that has hurt you in the past... ...and forgive him or her.

6. Did you know that someone in your town will attempt to take their own life this season because they feel so alone and hopeless? Since you don't know who that person is, try giving everyone you meet a warm smile; it could make the difference.

7. Instead of "nit-picking" about what the retailer in your town calls the holiday, be patient with the people who work there. Give them a warm smile and a kind word. Even if they aren't allowed to wish you a "Merry Christmas" ,that doesn't keep you from wishing them one. Then stop shopping there on Sunday. If the store didn't make so much money on that day, they'd close and let their employees spend the day at church and at home with their families

8. If you really want to make a difference, support a missionary -- especially one who takes My love and Good News to those who have never heard My name.

9. Here's a good one. There are individuals and whole families in your town who not only will have no "Christmas" tree, but neither will they have any presents to give or receive. If you don't know them, buy some food and a few gifts giving them to the Salvation Army or some other charity which believes in Me. They will even make the delivery for you.

10. Finally, if you want to make a statement about your belief in and loyalty to Me, then behave like a Christian. Don't do things in secret that you wouldn't do in My presence. Let people know by your actions and words that you are one of mine. Don't forget; I am God and can take care of Myself. Just love Me and do what I have told you to do. I'll take care of all the rest.

Check out the list above and get to work; time is short. I'll help you, but the ball is now in your court. And do have a most blessed Christmas with all those whom you love...and remember... ...I LOVE YOU!

JESUS

Merry Christmas!

Need a laugh?

With Christmas coming soon, and with all that's been happening lately, I wanted to brighten up your week with some laughter. Consider it a Christmas present from yours truly. ;-)

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Internet, he won't bother you for weeks!
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FROM JEFF FOXWORTHY’S “YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF...”

• You see a billboard that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.


• You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."


• The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.


• You hunt from your bedroom window.


• Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.


• The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About what?"


• You take a beer to a job interview.


• You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

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A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie. The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only." The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF! Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him. He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

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A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing: 1) religion; 2) royalty; 3) sex; and 4) mystery.

The prize-winning essay read: "My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

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EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT ESSAYS
• A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
• Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
• I expected to enjoy the film, but that was before I saw it.
• Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
• When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.
• It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
• Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
• The dog ran across the lawn, emitting whelps all the way.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
• The bowels are a, e i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
• The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
• The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.
• Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.

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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• Evening massage - 6 p.m.
• The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
• Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
• Ushers will eat latecomers.
• The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
• Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
• A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
• Today's Sermon: “How Much Can A Man Drink?” with hymns from a full choir.
• On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD... Dr. Hargreaves is better.
• Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
• The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

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ONE-LINERS
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
• If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. I have a work station.
• If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
• Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
• He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they 'garnish' his wages?
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He said, “You're ugly too.”
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
• Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?

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PRAYERS AND THE PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE
• When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.
• My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes."
• My son, in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"
• I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread."
• I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the flag."
• I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "And to the republic for Richard Stands."
• When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.
• When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your seat."
• When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

Bits of Tid: December 19, 2009

• My deepest condolences to the family, friends, and colleagues of State Rep. Mike Simpson. Simpson represented the 65th State House district, which includes part of the Jackson area stretching up to Eaton Rapids. Simpson, just 47, died yesterday of a heart attack.
• What do I think about this healthcare reform debate at this point? To be honest, I'm conflicted. The bill as it stands in the Senate does not include a Medicare buy-in or a Public Option, but it would offer some improvements over the current 'system' we have now.
• Another thing to keep in mind: The House-passed version does include the Public Option. So nobody should assume that the Public Option is dead yet. Far from it.
• The word "Sexy" made its way to the White House blog - it was spoken by the President himself.
• From the Times of India:
  

  A ray of hope for some slum-dwellers has come all the way from the US. Students of Central Michigan University (CMU), US, which will be adopting slums in Ahmedabad as part of their CMU Clean Water Initiative (CMUCWI). Under this project, the students will bring in the HydrAid water filtration system to 500 urban poor in selected slums for a decade.
  
  Students of CMU have identified slums near Bombay Hotel, Dani Limda and Vatva for the unique project, which will start from the first quarter of 2010.

• Go to your local library or bookstore and get Ted Kennedy's True Compass. You will not be disappointed.

Bits of Tid: December 7, 2009

• Before I go on, it would be a mistake not to acknowledge that today is the 68th anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor.
  
  I hear a lot less talk about Pearl Harbor nowadays than I used to. Perhaps because many of those who remember that day have since passed on; perhaps because September 11, 2001, has taken precedence when it comes to attacks on American soil.
  
  Regardless, I ask that you please take a few minutes to remember in your thoughts and prayers all who have died in the service of our country, not only at Pearl Harbor but throughout our country's history.
• Sorry I haven't been blogging much lately; we have come upon a time we at Central call "Finals Week." Luckily, the bulk of what I have to get done is already done, and my Finals Week isn't that hard at all.
• In between studying, I am reading True Compass: A Memoir, by our beloved Ted Kennedy.
• Wal-Mart's been naughty.
• Just in time for Copenhagen: What if scientists could create electricity with zero CO2 emissions? Now they can.
• And if that's not enough, solar electricity is becoming more available.
• Guess who cracked the AP Top 25?
• And finally, enjoy this holiday medley by Straight No Chaser: