Late-night laugh roundup

Courtesy of About.com:

"Al Gore has won an Academy award. He's won an Emmy award. And now, he's won the Nobel prize. But what he really wants is the Latin Grammy." --David Letterman
"Al Gore won the Nobel Peace Prize for his work with the environment. Then, in a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush." --Amy Poehler
"I think I know why you're happy tonight... 'cause Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Al Gore won the Nobel prize. Or, as President Bush announced it, 'Sweden is with the terrorists.' No, the president did not say that. What he said was, 'The Nobel Prize is just a theory. It needs more study.'" --Bill Maher
"You can tell Al Gore is still worrying about these kind of things. They told him today, 'You received the most votes.' He said, 'Yeah, who won?'" --Bill Maher
"A lot of people are now wondering if Al Gore will run for president, which would make it a Gore vs. Hillary Democratic primary. Kind of global warming vs. global cooling." --Jay Leno
"Earlier tonight on NBC, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was on Matt Lauer. Until Matt was able to push him off." --Jay Leno
"The interview was conducted in Senator Craig's home in Idaho. Beautiful home. Four bedrooms, 29 bathrooms." --Jay Leno
"Hillary Clinton raised $35 million in three months. That's the most money ever raised by a woman, if you don't count what Oprah's made since lunch." --David Letterman
"Yesterday, by the way, Hillary Clinton was a guest on 'The View.' ... Just when you thought that panel couldn't get any hotter." --David Letterman
"A globe of the world once owned by Adolph Hitler is going to be auctioned off. ... So, Hitler's globe if you're thinking about getting a Christmas gift for Ann Coulter." --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend, Senator Craig was inducted into the Idaho Stall of Fame. ... Did I say stall? I meant to say Hall of Fame. This guy got into the Idaho Hall of Fame. So who are the people who lost to Craig?" --Jay Leno
"Barack Obama ... is attacking some of Hillary Clinton's comments on torture. At one point, Hillary Clinton said that in some narrow cases, torture could be acceptable. Like, for example, when you're husband is sneaking in at 2:30 in the morning" --Jay Leno
"In a recent interview, President Bush's daughter, Jenna, said she believes there's a ghost in the White House. Then President Bush told her, 'No sweetheart, that's just your grandmother.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Hillary Clinton's name was mentioned 12 times the other night. 12 times! Of course, Hillary was stunned. She's not used to guys yelling out her name." --Jay Leno
(at a Republican debate)

"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his first presidential debate last night. Political experts called him uneven, flat and dull. In other words, Thompson was the highlight of the debate." --Conan O'Brien
"According to a new survey, 52% of people have had sex with a colleague at work. 52%! You know, I can never look at Hannity and Colmes the same way again." --Jay Leno
"The Yankees made it into the play-offs ... on a wild card. By the way, that's also how we got President Bush." --David Letterman
"President Bush is now saying there's a good chance we will be bombing Iran ... because he is convinced they have nuclear weapons. Well, he would know." --David Letterman
"This is good news: President Bush says he's going to ... finally take some action on global warming, because he became very alarmed when another chunk of ice broke off his mother" --David Letterman
"Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun" --David Letterman
"This Saturday, President Bush will be on hand in Washington to celebrate the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. The president's very excited about the festival, because he's been named Cliffs Notes Man of the Year." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday while in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for an expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I believe it's pronounced Nintendo.'" --Conan O'Brien

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