Oh, the things that show up in my email!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

From student essays:

• A virgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
• Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
• I expected to enjoy the fillm, but that was before I saw it.
• Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
• When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.
• It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
• The problem with intersexual swimming is that the boys often outstrip the girls.
• Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the track team.
• The dog ran across the lawn, emitting whelps all the way.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was closed for altercations.
• The bowels are a, e i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
• The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
• The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair. They looked like women, only more horrible.
• Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys. The British governor lives there.